Tuesday, March 4, 2014

I just needed a good cry

On 18 November 2013 we lost our dear Mum to colon cancer.  She passed away peacefully in her sleep.  We were caught off guard and unprepared.  I remember how cool & calm I was when I received the news from brother on the phone that morning in the kitchen.  After I hung up the phone, I went into the house to break the news to DinoPapa and I walked back into the kitchen to finish my cup of coffee.  Instead I was pacing around the kitchen in circles, shivering, while all my emotions rushed up into my head.  The funeral was a blur because I choose not to remember every details.

After the funeral I went into hibernation, into hiding because I didn't know what to do or to feel.  Suddenly I lost my sense of direction and purpose of moving forward.  I couldn't find the drive to do anything, I would start some craft or home improvement projects only to ditch them a day or even hours later.  I would have something in my mind and felt the urge to pen it down on my blog but when I sit in front of the computer I would typed out a few sentences only to erase them away many times.  Minutes passed, I will be staring at a blank page with a blank mind and the enthusiasm eventually died down, I have to shut down my computer and nothing was done.

Most of the time I felt like a trapped animal, restless and pacing in my cage, there was something wrong with me but I just did not want to face it.  I wasn't ready to face it.  I kept mostly to myself and only talked to a handful of friends.  A month after the funeral I was chatting with this friend, I told him that I have no mood to do anything or write my blog posts.   His advice was to write it down, tell the world and then move on (or something along that line).

2 weeks ago my silly Samsung III was sent to the service centre because it got stuck while doing software update, I was unable to do any backup on my stuffs in the phone thus every thing was erased.  And it erased Mum's mobile phone number, my last connection with Mum.

So, here I am, writing it down, telling the world and hopefully it will set me free.

Photo Credit
Mum stayed with me for a week before she was diagnosed with colon cancer and moved into brother's house.  She will sometimes come over to stay at my place during some weekends.  I get all excited when she comes over, I wanted to cook the most delicious dishes for her to eat even though she could only stomach 2 spoonfuls of rice, some soup and a little bit of the other dishes.  It was heartbreaking for me to see her like this.  I lost my passion to cook after she was gone.  Every cookbook I flipped, every dish I wanted to prepare, even the pots and pans reminded me of her.  Yes, it was THAT bad.

First it was the lost of appetite, then it was the pain she has to endure as her stomach try to digest the food she ate and the bloated feelings she gets after that.  Later it was the obvious weight loss and hair loss.  After that she had difficulty in remembering things.  That's when I lost my patient with her as she kept asking or repeating certain things at me.  And I am so angry with myself after each incident, I smacked myself hard and told myself to stop doing it but couldn't.  Till now I am still so mad at myself for that but I can't show her more compassion and understanding any more.

Mum was a no-quitter and a fighter but I guess the cancer was too much for her to bear.  There were times when she sees me, she will say to me "Daughter, Mummy wants to die but can't."  I felt someone stabbed my heart with a knife and turned the knife 360deg, the pain was indescribable.  I almost burst out in tears but I controlled myself, giving encouraging words to her instead.

When I told people that Mum passed away in her sleep, almost every one will comment that it's the best way to go, that luckily she did not suffer, that she did not have to go through any agony to finally find peace and rest in peace.  I agree with them too but I know Mum has not found her peace yet and I truly hope that she will in near future. 

I will never forget the moment when brother cried uncontrollably after Mum's coffin was pushed into the fire.  To me he was the pillar of the family and it shocked me to see him break down like that.  Everyone saw Mum suffer from the chemo's side effects but I think it affected my brother twice as much.

I moped through the months aimlessly.  My month plus sickness gave me the excuse to feel and show the world that I am miserable.  There were times I felt that I am ok, I declared to the world that I am ok and made believe that I AM OK when I am not.  When I finally recovered from my sickness I thought its time I start picking myself up, I did... little pieces at a time but I was falling back faster then I was at picking up.  The day I lost the only connection with Mum was the day I woke up.  It's time I step out of it.

The truth is, you never really get over the lost of loved ones.  Not months, years or decades later.  You may come to terms with it or you may not, either way deep inside your heart still aches and pains with the memory of them.  Dad was gone for 9 years and I am still mourning for him.  And with Mum gone too I know I have to do something about it.

I have to come to terms with myself on my losses.
I just needed a good cry to move forward.

24 comments:

  1. I am so sorry that you are struggling this much and yes, I believe that we will still mourn for years; after all, they have been in our lives for so many years. I am glad that you are writing all these down and that you are releasing your helplessness. Hugs. Let's go for Korean again soon

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    1. Ok! Only that place unless you have a better one to recommend =)

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  2. I relate with every part of this. I was 19 when my mom passed and 35 when my dad did. Last night my step-mom died and I am numb. I feel like an orphan and still miss them all so much. Thank you for sharing your pain.

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    1. I'm so sorry to hear that Carol. Hugs to you!

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  3. Huge hugs to you hun......sad to say this is all a part of your grieving process, they say it gets easier.....I hope so. Well done on sharing it with the world, and I hope reading it and rereading it helps you as well. You sound like a great daughter and I am sure she is watching over you.

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    1. You are right Elaine, it is part of the grieving process. I hope it gets easier from this moment on.

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  4. I am sorry to hear this. I hope you can move on for the benefit of yourself and family. Have a good cry, I think writing this out will help you move on. And I know you cried while writing this down. Hugz from all of us!

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  5. So sorry to hear this. Cry it all out! And hope it helps, at least a little. Please take care. I know it's not easy, but we always say this - 为活着的人加油,活着的人更需要你!

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    1. Well Said! I'll be strong as usual =)

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  6. Big hugs to you, Jennifer. So sorry that you're hurting so badly. It's perfectly fine to cry and mourn, and even though the pain will always be there, hopefully, spending time with DinoPapa and DinoBoy will help ease it somewhat. Take good care.

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    1. Thanks Adeline =) I'm glad that I have both of them by my side to accompany me.

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  7. I can feel your anguish in your post and I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you will be able to find that spunk I have always seen in you again soon. Please take good care of yourself my friend. Big hugs!

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    1. Thanks Liza~ I'll try to sprint back soon ok?

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  8. This is a heartfelt post and I can totally relate. It's good that you have let it out here. Many a times, we put on our strong front just so that others will not worry about us. It's ok to grieve as long as you want as long as it's not affecting your life and family around you. *hugs Let's hang on to happier memories of the loved ones we have lost.

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    1. Yes, putting up a strong front for all to see but sometimes I hope some one sees my pain and offer a hug instead.

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  9. Sorry to hear about your lose. Big hugz! Stay strong!

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  10. I cried when I read this, Jennifer. Someone very close to me is battling cancer right now and I dont know what I will do when the day comes when I lose the person altogether. Thank you for sharing.. I hope it makes you feel better and yes, move on and be happy. :)

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    1. Klessis, you just have to be there with that person. Hold his/her hand, listen to her, talk to her & hug her. The one thing I regret not ever doing is hug my parents.

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  11. I finally managed to catch up on my reads today and this post really touched my heart. I remember you sharing a small snippet of what was going on some weeks back. It must have been so difficult walking this path since your dear mum's passing. Appreciate you opening up this corner of your heart to share what's been going on. I don't think grief ever really fades away. It's a new notch that gets added to your heart that you will always carry. But over time hopefully your heart will probably develop muscles to know how to carry this loss that it will no longer be the heavy weight weighing down on you now. Just wanted to reach my hand out to let you know how sorry I am over your loss.

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    1. Thanks Serene for your kind words and hand =)
      The pain will never go away but by penning it down it has sort of heal me a little bit.

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  12. I read this when it was published but it was my super busy period... couldn't comment! I felt so sad, because I remember talking to you about your mom, and my mom, and your worries toward your mom. Saw you through all the preparations of moving her in and all and it felt so short, that she had to pass on. I am sure it is very difficult to accept the loss of your mother, but I applaud you for being so strong. You are an amazing person, just as she is I am sure. Big hugs Jen!

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    1. Thanks my dear! It was difficult but I still have to go on with my daily obligations though I would love to stay in bed n don't move a muscle.

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