Thursday, October 24, 2013

An insight on Parenting Style

Recently I had the opportunity to attend a parenting talk by Ms Doris Yap, she shared so many useful information and tips that helps to improve the parent-child relationship.  I left the place feeling more confident with myself and also understand more about the role of a parent, different parenting methods and approach.  I will share part of the talk that I think will definitely benefit all parents.

During the talk, Ms Doris Yap shared that basically there are 4 parenting style and by understanding our parenting style we will be empowered with the skills in building a healthy relationship with our child. 

We were given a set of questions to do and then rate it according to a points system to determine our parenting style, according to the questions I'm an Authoritative Parent.  I am not able to share the set of questions and rating with you but I'm sure with the simple description I have provided you should be able to identify your style.

So here are the 4 types of parents, which one best describe your parenting style? 

Authoritarian Parents
They demand uncompromising obedience from their children, they adopt the military style parenting.  They are directive but unapproachable.  They view their needs and desires as more important than those of children. 

Permissive Parents
They have little control over their children because they rather give in just to avoid clashes and confrontation.  Their children will rule them and most of the time parental needs take a back seat to the child's needs.

Authoritative Parents
They believe in mutual respect and uses "win-win" approach in their parenting.  They are both demanding and responsive, at the same time are concern about both their and the children's needs.  They are firm with their supervision but at the same time adopt a flexible approach.

Uninvolved/Neglecting Parents
They choose to have little warmth over their children, choosing to lavish their children with material needs instead of filling up their emotional needs.  They will have either little or inconsistent supervision over their children. 

 Even though there are 4 parenting styles given above, there really is no single 100% fail proof way of parenting, we have to adopt and use a little bit of each style to emerge successful in our daily parenting challenges.

One very good example Ms Doris Yap give is that the gist of parenting is like doing a dance, like a waltz, a tango or even disco, we have to adjust our dance steps according to the beat of the tempo.  We have to use the appropriate approach towards our child's needs according to the situation. 

It simply means that I may be an Authoritative Parent but I can be : -

Authoritarian when DinoBoy requests to do things that I deem dangerous like using a pen knife to cut paper.

Permissive when he asks constantly if he can use ipad on the eve of public holiday or on a Friday and I gave in to him so that he will stop pestering me (base on his behavior and performance in school during that week/day).

Uninvolved/Neglecting when he does something gravely wrong and deserves a punishment like removing of privileges, sometimes making me too upset to want to talk to him.  Of course I will have to explain to him the reason for dishing out that punishment instead of simply taking it away and ignoring him.

I've shared about the different parenting style, now let's take a look at the child's development with parents who always uses only one of the above parenting style. 

Child of Authoritarian Parents
He will feel withdrawn and have low self esteem which may lead to depression.  He will have poorer social skills, is discontented and does not trust others. 

Child of Permissive Parents
He will be lacking in creativity, self control and self resilience.  Though he will have higher self esteem and better social skills, he will perform less well in school due to his behavior problem.

Child of Authoritative Parents
He will be self reliant, independent and more socially competent. He will be more confident to explore the world around him.

Child of Neglecting Parents
He will develop adjustment and conduct problems, he will tend to use aggression in conflict management.  Overall, he will perform poorly as an individual and will be less socially competent.

Well, it does not look very good on the welfare and emotion status of the child from some of the above parenting style.  By now you should be able to identify which one is the most preferred parenting style.  If you have been using a less then desired parenting style and seeing your child showing some of the negative behaviour, do not panic, there are still time to change your parenting style for the better of yourself and your child.

If you have never been close with your child, how do you go about starting to show some love without feeling awkward?  Ms Doris Yap suggested delegating your child with little tasks and empower them by praising their planning skills or creativity which in turn will help to boost their self esteem.  Words are very powerful, praises does wonders that never fails to surprise any one.  

If it is difficult for you to open your heart to say "Son, I love you!" or you shudder at the thought of saying "I love you" to your child, then just give a big BIG HUG to instead.  No explanation needed, you can just walk up to them and hug them.  If they asked just say "Because you are a gift to me, I want to hug my greatest gift."

Your child may feel uneasy or uncomfortable initially when they sense a positive change in your attitude towards them but as time goes by they will get used to it and embrace the new relationship they have with you.

Being a parent is not an easy job, but we have to remember and be constantly reminded that from infancy till the age of 12 a child is dependent on the parents to provide them with the basic needs, give them a sense of security and help to build up the foundation of their character so that they are able to make wise decisions later in their life.  During these years the child need the parents to create/set boundaries so that they know the right from wrong, be always connected with them and constantly giving praises to valuate & motivate them.

In Ms Doris Yap's own words "Parenting style is to adapt and adjust during different stages of your child's growing up."

So start the change today!  
Empower yourself so that you can Empower your child!

* Ms Doris Yap is a Programme Manager/Senior Counsellor in Youth Guidance Outreach Services.

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Join me as I continue to embrace and embark on the positive parenting journey. If you like to share tips or your story on positive parenting, please grab my linky button and add your link below so that many more parents can benefit from it.  This linky will be ongoing, you can add your post in the link any time you want but my post will be up on the last day of every month so that I can look back and reflect on some of the parenting things that happened.

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1 comment:

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