Monday, October 29, 2012

My Story, all 39 years of it - Dedicated to Me

I have always wanted to to sit down alone in a quiet place, thinking about the past, have a heart to heart talk with myself in my head.  There are so many things I wanted to tell Me, too many to do it in just a few hours or even a day and so that day did not materialize... until now.

*** *** ***

Dear Me,

Growing up as the 3rd child of the family was not easy, you tend to be forgotten at times, you felt neglected, unloved, unjust when you get blamed for things that were not entirely your fault.  Back then, you have difficulty identifying yourself.  You try to be as mature as sis, as smart as bro or as witty as younger bro but failed terribly.  You fought to get some love from Mum and Dad but you did not receive much of it.  This makes you dislike your siblings as you felt inferior, you felt so disappointed with yourself that you try to find some one to blame thus you started to blame Mum & Dad for showing favouritism, for neglecting you.

Remember the nightmare you had when you were 7 or 8 years old?  In the dream we were out some where, when its time to leave every one starts to walk back to the car, you were lagging behind.  Every one climbed into the car, closed the door and Dad just drove off without you.  You chased after the little white car screaming, crying and shouting for them to stop but to no avail.... You were awaken by Mum, concerned and worried, with tears streaming down your eyes.  Mum asked if you are ok, you merely just tell her that you had a nightmare and "its nothing".  It was not Nothing coz you are still haunted by that dream till this day; it was all grey except for the paper white car driving further and further away from you. the image is still so vividly clear, the feeling of abandon still so strong and real.  It will forever be a daunting sight for you.

You get most of the scoldings and beatings from Mum for being stubborn, talking back, show disrespects and the list goes on...  You were one young unhappy and bitter girl who wish you were some where else instead of in this family.  You try to change but the stubbornness in you just can't let things go, you MUST win in every situation. 

You managed to scraped through studies with a so-so "O" Levels result and ended up in ITE instead of polytechnic which you wish with all your heart and might that by some form of miracles you will be walking down that path.  For a person who failed maths since Primary school, you think that Life is playing a joke with you when the only path for you is to study Accountancy, deep inside you know your future is gone.  2 years passed with a blink of eye and you still wonder how did you managed to stayed in school... perhaps dropping out of school is not an option at all.

While your friends are going in and out of relationship, you stood by the sideline and watch, wishing that you were one of them but knowing that no one will notice you; you were used to being small, unimportant and unnoticed.  You finally met a guy, went into a relationship, ROM on the 3rd year but only to end it on a bitter note a year later.  You thought that you were destined to live your days alone.

Life do not joke or play with anyone's future, every thing Life gives, there is a reason for it.

What you have been through during your younger days makes you a stronger, tougher and independent girl.  You managed to survive the great big working world since the age of 20, I am proud of you for coming by so far.  You may lack the impressive paper qualifications but you made it up with the precious experience you learn from the harsh world and excel in it.

Starting out in a relationship later then others may have been a good thing to you, being older you were able to put more things into consideration before going into one.  That failed marriage makes you take a step back and look into every .  You were blessed with a man of your dream, who is able to take all your nonsense, bad temper, mood swings, just to name a few.  You decided to settle down with him even though both of you were together for barely 9months coz you know that he is The One.  Its been a decade but I know you are still happy & excited with the grand and lavish wedding he gave you back then.

Having a strong personality and a "never say die" attitude enables you to stand firm and brave through the 5 long years; the lowest point of your life.  Sad to say that you almost lose it when you slipped into depression, I am glad that you managed to pull yourself out of the sink hole just in time, you did not lose faith in the family and life.  Soon, the dark clouds and cold rain were gone, you heaved a big sigh of relieve, walked in the sun shine feeling the warm rays on your face, eager to challenge the new world.

Motherhood did not come easy, when it did after a long wait you were excited though lost and was glad that you have sis to seek for advice and assurance on baby issues.  Even so, with a boy who is different in so many ways from kids of his age, every day is a challenge with him.  You made an effort to know how to handle him so that life is easy for every one.  You may think that you have not done enough but look at him, he has grown to be independent and more mature then his friends.  You should feel assured as friends keep telling you that he is such a well behaved boy, both of you and DinoPapa have done a great job in nurturing him to what he is today.

Motherhood also have a magical power.  Suddenly your relationship with the siblings are better, you started to care for each other and the extend family, I know this mean a lot to you since you have pushed them away since so long ago.  You are determined to let the boy meet up with the cousins as often as possible as you wish to nurture the kids to be closely knitted instead of strangers while growing up.  More efforts have to be put in though, but I'm sure you will succeed one day.

I know you were very affected when Dad passed away.  Dad has been unwell for many months, you saw it coming and was prepared for it.  However you were not prepared for him to leave suddenly when there were no symptoms of him deteriorating, who would have thought that virus infection is the deadly silent killer?  You miss him but its time to let go and move on, you know he is at a better place, enjoying his life.

In fact, try to let go of most things or burdens, its time you live for yourself.  There is only so much you can do or worry.  You would want to live your life enjoying it rather then worrying till you die.  I hope you have learn your lessons from all that has happened these 39 years.  Try to better yourself, be involved with your boy and husband, have a even better life then now with them. 

We shall speak again hopefully in a decade's time.


*** *** ***

"When Life gives you lemons, make lemonade"

I say "When Life gives you lemons, set up a lemonade stand, plant some lemon tree so that you have endless supply of lemons and one day your lemonade stand will become a lemonade empire!" - Inspired by Regina when I was writing this post while chatting with her.

~ ~ ~

Linking up with



  1. hahaha I like the lemonade bit! :p
    Hugs Jen, for sharing an intimate part of yourself here. I enjoyed reading this post and feel like I got to know you so much more now. :) And, I love you just the way you are.

    1. eh you only know ONE more thing about me ma wahahaa~

    2. One more thing is better than nothing!!

      One more step toward world domination!! (SCB mode = ON)

    3. What you want to dominate? Me and Adeline? TSK!

    4. SCB mode was never off as far as I know. Maybe it flickered off a bit but it always goes back to on automatically.

  2. Jen,

    I *know* this was not an easy post to write. Thank you for having the courage to brave the demons and think back. Every single step in life not only made you who you are, but it has prepared you for the rest of your life.

    I'm so glad to call you a friend.

    Knowing you the way I do, for the first few times we were on chats, I would never for a moment think that you went through what you did. You are always happy, and will always provide a listening ear and dispense advice whenever you were asked.

    Only as we took our friendship further did I start to think that whatever I have gone though in life perhaps can't be compared to all the hurt and pain which you have. Then again, I think we can relate to each other simply because we have been through the dark tunnel which seems like a vacuum without light in sight - only to emerge at the end, dusty, scarred, breathless, but still alive.

    I have said it before and I'm going to say it again. You and Daniel ought to be proud to be raising Z the way he is. I say it not with a biased tone, but because I know it has not been easy.

    Thank you for allowing me to know you better, and for being the person who you are.

    1. Becoz I have been there that is why I am able to think along the line or even further when my friends seek me for advice and comfort.

      You will learn to see the other way, choose what you want to see or not bear grudges. You make peace with yourself so that you can have a better life and sleep better at night.

      You cant compare life's experience becoz its very individual and personal. You may think that I'm better then you or vice verse but there are many other things to put into the equation to come out with the level of pain & sufferings. Its always good to think that you are slightly better then others coz then you will not sink into the hole and become worst. Instead you will feel blessed that you are a little bit lucky then some others and walk down the life path with positive thinking and thrive after that.

      Your "dark tunnel which seems like a vacuum without light in sight" - some how makes me think of Star Wars lol

    2. Eh... that one got stars leh!! Not counted!

    3. It's always greener on the other side lah. You see me good, I see you good. Or maybe not! hahahah! But it's good if we all can take a back seat and count our own blessings. Big and small. Life goes on. :)

    4. Regina, dun care the stars or not lah, still dark n black n holey.

      Adeline, human nature to NOT TO BE satisfied with what one have. Envy is a sin, so we are all sinners. hahaha~ ok digress....

  3. Thanks for sharing your inner thoughts & am glad to say that I have the chance to get to know u better as a person. No doubt life has its up & down but as long as we believe in faith n never give up, ultimately we will be able to walk out of the tunnel. I am glad to know u, Regina n Adeline thru SMB and three of u are definately a fun bunch of mummies to be with :)

    1. I'm glad our paths crossed too Amie =) We dun meet up as often, only chat online most of the time. I'm sure there are other mummies who are as crazy as us, just that they are shy to show it hahaha~

  4. Thanks for sharing such a well-written and heartfelt "Dear Me". You must have felt much relief writing that last para in letting go and living for yourself. Actually lemonade is quite nice and healthy too! Hope your next letter would be a super happy and eventful one!

    1. Thanks! Took me quite a while to think through how to write it IN MY HEAD for almost a month before penning it down.

  5. Wow. When reading your story, i felt a chilling resemblance to mine! (hugs