Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Time travelling - If that is possible

In life there are many regrets which we carry in our Bag of Burdens unknowingly, this Bag usually haunt us and prevent us from moving forward or trying out new things.  Luckily for every one, there are usually more happier memories to keep us going on and become stronger to face every new challenges in life.

If I am able to do time travelling, which moment in my life would I want to go back to?  

Source : Unknown

The moments when Dad and Mum left us
Dad and Mum was stricken with cancer, Dad with liver cancer and Mum with colon cancer.  Both we on medications and/or went through chemo.  I am sure they were feeling the unbearable pains the cancer was bringing upon them but they hang on, fight on.  I was very sadden that they have to suffer like this instead of living their days peacefully and in a much healthier ways.  I made time for them as much as I could but I had my work and family that took me away from them.

My greatest regret is I was not there for both of them till the moment they left us.  

Dad was in coma because of an infection that attacked his brain, we sent him to the hospital that morning and he never wake up.  I did not make it in time to the hospital to say my final farewell to Dad.  

Mum was still out and about when she feels stronger, she will make her way from Bro's house to my house just to visit us.  It was a tedious almost 2 hours bus rides (she do not like train rides and never likes to spend unnecessarily on taxi rides) on those days.  Mum was still up and about the day before but she passed on in her sleep hours later.

I felt something being ripped off from me violently and gruesomely.  Every time I think about this my heart bleeds again and again.

If I can go back in time, I would go back to the moments where we are told about Dad and Mum's medical conditions on both occasions, whisper into the ears of my back-then Me telling Me to spend more time with them, to hint to Me the date of their departure and make Me spend time with them and never leave their side so that I can be there when they finally leave, to let them know that they are not alone, I am there.

However, I take comfort that during the last months they were not being cooped up in the hospital for days and months.  They were with family, even though we can't spend as much time as we would love to to be with them.


20 years from today...
Raising a child is a difficult job and I think we will only know if we pass or fail in this important "subject" years later.  Yes, 20 years later DinoBoy will be in mid 20s, finished his National Service, studied till the highest educational level that he wants to and starting work in the society.  I want to see if I scored an Ace in parenting, if not an ace maybe a good score and most definitely not an F9.  I want to see if the things I was so insistent or forced upon DinoBoy; the life skills, the basic rules of manners, social etiquette, the harsh punishments I dished out to him for anything he did that was undesired or unacceptable to me.  It's cruel and abusive; most of you would say if you ever heard or witness these punishments.  I felt heart broken when I have to discipline him in this way but I know deep inside that I am doing good for him.  

So far, I've got feed backs from friends and teachers that DinoBoy is behaving well, is a sensible boy, respectful, courteous etc, you know, all the good stuffs.  That sets my heart and mind at ease.  For every positive thing there is a negative energy to test us.  He has his challenges and difficult times and they are not small minor issues.  I am constantly thinking of ways to teach, coach, explain to him and trying to make him see the other side of the coin or understand that there is this Grey Area which we really cannot simply use right or wrong or black and white to determine the situation.  It's draining me of my patient, energy and killing brain cells.  I am looking forward to the day when I can really sit back, put my feet on the table and relax completely.

Peeping into the future, I would like to know whether he turned out well, if he is truly happy, conquered his challenges and be as successful as we wanted him to be.  If there is a little bit of flaws I could come back to the present and do some fine tuning.  

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We are taking part in the If I were a Time Traveller blog train hosted by MadPsychMum click on the button button to read about other Mummies' time travel thoughts.

Next up on the blog train

At ToddlyMummy, Winnie shares her thoughts on parenting, fun learning moments of their home learning sessions and outdoor adventures. She sometimes share about her favourite food too, along with occasional side orders of stuff that she finds useful as a busy mum.


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